


Nights in White Satin (A Songfic)

by LovelyLichabee



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Anger, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Songfic, Unrequited Love, a single f word, sadboi hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29106516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLichabee/pseuds/LovelyLichabee
Summary: Tim's up late, drinking and getting sentimental over the woman he once loved.
Relationships: Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Kudos: 4





	Nights in White Satin (A Songfic)

**Author's Note:**

> The version of this song that I used is the version by Dan Avidan and Super Guitar Bros. 
> 
> This is my first fic since I was maybe 13, and while I've been RPing for many years since, I've not done a lot of solo writing. This was also written between about 3 and 5 in the morning, so pardon any not-great writing. I was tired but inspired.

  
_Nights in White Satin  
Never reaching the end…_  


It was too late at night, honestly, or maybe it was too early. Did it really matter? The sun was coming up in the next few hours and he had been drinking, getting sentimental over someone he wasn’t sure was real. Time was a construct that Tim had no intention of paying more attention to than he needed. He was sitting in his flat, more specifically in his room, on the floor and leaned with his back against his bed, having pulled out an old shoe box he used for keepsakes. It was littered with old pictures, of himself, Danny, their parents, happy memories he only indulged in on nights like this. There were a few newer pictures over the years though as well. Some were from when he and Jon were still friends, working together in research. The memories were bittersweet now, tainted with the paranoia and twisted behavior of his now boss. He sighed and took them out for now, setting them with some of his family pictures off to the side, as he took another drink straight from the bottle of wine he had been steadily draining since about 10 o’clock that evening. 

  
_Letters I’ve written  
Never meaning to send…_  


He shuffled a few things around and pulled out some folded up papers, opening them to see their contents. He was hit with a rather hard wave of sadness, realizing too quickly they were letters. They hadn’t been sent to him, but rather, ones he had written. He wrote them to Sasha when they were still having their fling. It felt like years ago, it was certainly before they began working for the Archives… before that thing took her away. He skimmed them over and while his eyes stung with potential tears, none of them fell. He remembered their contents all too well, how horribly sappy he had been, how he had poured his heart out in hopes that maybe they could try again, how much he truly loved and cared about her. It was to the point he was too embarrassed to even give them to her in the end, not after she showed no interest in rekindling. He wished he had now, though. Maybe if she were still here…  
He shook his head, setting them aside. He looked through the box a bit more and came across pictures he didn’t think he recognized. 

  
_Beauty I’d always missed  
With these eyes before…_  


His brows furrowed together gently in his confusion as he took out two pictures, old film pictures, he recognized that much. One of them was from Jon’s birthday party, a group photo Elias had taken since he didn’t want to be in the picture himself. There he was, and there was Martin, and Jon… But who was that woman? She had dark coily hair that cascaded just over her shoulders, her glasses were rectangular, but hardly did a thing to hide deep brown eyes that practically glistened in their joy. Her smile was warm like the sun, and it made his heart ache in familiarity. But-- he swore he had never seen her before. Shouldn’t this be Sasha?  
Sasha didn’t look like that. Sasha had straightened hair, dyed a deep red and cut into a short bob, and her eyes were a lighter brown, she didn’t even wear glasses. Who was this? The second picture was one he recognized, from new years. Who had taken this picture again? It didn’t matter, he knew he had the same copy of it on his phone. It was a picture of himself and that woman again who should be Sasha, his arm over her shoulders with a drink in his hand. She held a drink of her own, that smile still just as sweet and happy as the birthday photo. He looked at the film version for a moment, his confusion only deepening, before he took out his phone and scrolled through his camera roll. There was the same picture, a slightly different angle as it had been taken by someone else on their phone, Martin maybe? But it was him and Sasha, how he remembered her looking.  
He compared the pictures. They were wearing the same outfit but it fit them differently, their smiles were similar but not the same, but they didn’t look the same at all. He didn’t understand, this didn’t make sense. 

  
_Just what the truth is  
I can't say anymore…_  


He knew they had to be taken at the same time, there was no way these were different years, not if she was wearing the exact same thing, and Tim himself looked the same in both pictures, like one woman had been photoshopped into the other’s place… and then he remembered not!Sasha. For a moment he almost thought the film pictures were wrong, he felt an anger rise in him as he took them both in his hand, about ready to tear them to pieces. But there was something that stopped him. He had read the statement made about the not!Them after Jon recorded it to check for errors, as he had tried to do in the beginning. He stopped, and looked at the pictures again as a wave of horror rolled over his mind, like a sickening wave. 

The not!Them only replaced digital pictures and presence. Anything recorded on film, or on tape, couldn’t be altered. He compared the pictures again, picking out every detail, and this time as tears welled up in his eyes, he let them fall. That anger came again but this time released itself in the form of him reeling back with his phone, throwing it into his closet across the room, where it hit the back wall of the shallow room and bounced back out to stop on the floor, the screen cracked. He set the pictures in his lap as he brought his hands into his hair, grabbing handfuls as he cried in his resentment of the monster that stole Sasha away. 

  
_'Cause I love you  
Yes I love you  
Oh, how I love you._  


He never got the chance to tell her he loved her, not truly, not how she deserved to be told, how he should’ve told her long before they transferred to the Archives. Playful flirting and drunk texts only accounted for so much and it wasn’t enough. He’d never get to tell her. She was gone… he knew better than to hope she wasn’t.  
He still remembered the day after they learned about not!Sasha having taken her place.

  
_Gazing at people  
Some hand in hand..._  


Tim had been devastated, but more than that he had been so angry. He hated that monster with every fiber of his being. It had stolen Sasha away and he hadn’t even noticed she was gone. Thinking back on it now, he hadn’t even noticed how different she looked, or sounded. Did he even remember her real voice anymore? He doubted it.  
He walked home in the rain that day, his jacket not doing much to keep out the rain that soaked the denim in minutes, and the wind blew that through him. Couples walked past, or sat inside cafes he passed, enjoying their conversations and hot drinks. They held hands or pressed shoulder to shoulder to guard from the cold, not bothered by the inclement weather as they smiled and hardly paid him mind. The one good thing about the rain was that it hid his tears, as horribly cliche as it sounded.

  
_Just what I'm going through  
They can't understand..._  


No one who wasn’t there could have ever guessed what had happened that day. The people who were there wanted to believe it as much as he had. Which was, not at all. He couldn’t rightfully tell a therapist if he had bothered to see one. They’d have called him a loon, put him in a ward… Maybe the worst part was that he felt like he couldn’t even talk about it. Sasha had been Martin’s friend too, of course, but it wasn’t the same. And Jon?? Tim didn’t think he could trust the man ever again. Not even if he wanted to anymore. 

  
_Some try to tell me  
Thoughts they cannot defend…_  


Martin had tried to comfort him, saying they could find her, maybe she was alive. He said it wasn’t his fault. Tim knew it hadn’t been his fault. He had done nothing wrong, and she still died. He knew better than to think she was still out there somewhere. There was no hope, not for her. She was gone, and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from lashing out at Martin for even suggesting it. He had really dug into him, not that Martin deserved it for trying to help. He still couldn’t bring himself to apologize for that… but after a few days of the other walking on eggshells around him, things had seemed normal again. Save for, of course, when Martin could tell Tim’s temper was growing short, where he then made himself scarce. 

  
_Just what you want to be  
You will be in the end…_  


He should apologize for that, he knows he should. He brought his head up and his hands from his hair; he grabbed the wine bottle again. One last tilt towards his lips and he drained it, before setting it aside on the floor where he wouldnt kick it over when he got out of bed. He looked back at the pictures, one hand coming to rub the tears off his face. He hated all of this. He wished he could go back somehow, to keep her safe and alive. He felt like he should have done more, there had to have been more for him to do. The seething heat he felt was now directed at himself. He had been just as clueless as everyone else. He had been just as stupid, fallen for the exact same tricks. He was just as much of a damned idiot. 

  
_And I love you  
Yes I love you  
Oh, how I love you  
Oh, how I love you_  


Tim’s crying turned into sobs, studying those pictures again because he knew they were the last thing he truly had of Sasha. He never wanted to forget what she looked like again. She didn’t deserve to be remembered as the monster that took her from him- from everyone. He tried to remember their first night together, but with her true face. His eyes were closed, those pictures left clenched in his hands as gently as he could.

  
_Nights in white satin  
Never reaching the end..._  


_“Sasha, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of getting tipsy and spending a night with.”_ He had chimed in a teasing tone, as she rested her head against his chest and he ran his fingers through her thick curls. She looked up at him, before shifting to rest her arms folded on his chest, and rest her chin on his arms. He tried to remember her voice.  
_“I’m sure you say that to all your hookups, Tim.”_ She had replied, smiling up at him with a knowing grin.  
_“A hookup? Sasha- No you’re way more than that!”_ He didn’t know if she could sense how uncertain of himself he was saying that. Surely she must’ve, though.  
_“Then what are we going to make this, Tim? You flirt and you’re sweet but, I want to know what I’m getting myself into.”_ It was the kind of commitment he had been dreading the conversation for. Sasha was beautiful, he hadn’t lied there. But, part of him was scared. He hadn’t known then, but he knew now. He knew she could get anyone better than him, someone more charming, better looking, more thoughtful. He didn’t want to disappoint her. So… he kept the bar low.  
_“Maybe we ride the waves a bit and figure it out as we go… I won’t see anyone else, but- I think we should see how well we work before putting a label on it.”_ He had said. It had been a horrible excuse, he knew it had been. But she just smiled, and brought a hand up to run through his hair.  
_“I think that’d be just fine. We’ll figure out a pace that works for us.”_ She had been so sweet and understanding. She never tried to rush him. But, she never pushed him to commit either, and that ultimately led to them breaking it off all together. He thought he was fine with it at first, some things just didn’t work. But, everyone Tim tried to be with romantically or otherwise after that, he always found himself comparing them to Sasha. And that brought his attention back to…

  
_Letters I've written  
Never meaning to send…_  


The letters. He looked at them again, and he slowly set the pictures down to once again read over his words.  
**“I’m never good at putting my thoughts and feelings down onto paper, let alone talking about them. But Sasha, even over a year later, and I’ve never been able to find someone who I love as much as I love you. It makes me feel stupid every time I get jealous when you talk about a new potential partner, but I have enough sense to know our ship sailed a long time ago, and it’s my fault for letting you go when I had the chance to show you how much I care. I hoped writing it down here would make it more clear, but… I don’t think you’ll ever see this. I’m more of a coward than people realize. But, maybe someday you’ll give this coward another chance to show I’m ready. No more fucking around.**

  
**I guess that’s a pipe dream at this point…”**  


His eyes trailed off the page and slowly, he forced himself to fold it back up, and place it back in the box. He packed away everything except the photos of the Real Sasha. He shoved the box back into the back of his closet, and picked up his phone. He didn’t bother messing with it, he’d charge it tomorrow, he thought, as he set it on his nightstand and got into bed.

  
_Beauty I'd always missed  
With these eyes before..._  


He got himself situated, setting the pictures on the empty pillow beside his own, taking one of the spare ones into his arms and holding it tight, hiding his face in it. He let himself cry, he had no one to embarrass himself in front of beside himself, and there was no point in holding himself back. He hated that he couldn’t properly remember her face. She was beautiful, and he couldn’t remember anything except the monster. 

  
_Just what the truth is  
I can say anymore…_  


He wanted to pull not!Sasha out of wherever they were trapped in and destroy them himself. They didn’t deserve her name, or her face. He didn’t want their face to be the one he knew, and yet it was all he could think of when he tried to remember Sasha. He was reminded all too easily how much he hated The Stranger.

  
_‘Cause I love you  
Yes I love you  
Oh, how I love you  
Oh, how I love you_  


Tim couldn’t deny he had loved her, more than she’d ever known. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he’d hate himself till the end of his days for never telling her when he had the chance. He could feel his mind looping on itself in its thoughts as the anger came in waves, and he cried until he had nothing left in him. He cried until he fell asleep…

  
_‘Cause I love you  
Yes I love you  
Oh, how I love you  
Oh, how I love you_  


… And he dreamed of the Sasha he once knew.


End file.
